Photo by John Graf

I've been dating a man for six months, and although we have a great time together, I know in my heart of hearts he's not the "one" for me.  I fear that if I continue dating him I'm cruising for a bruisin'.  In other words, I'm afraid he'll grow more attached to me (he seems to think I am the "one") and then when the inevitable dooms day comes when we will have to go our separate ways, it will be disastrous. This fear keeps me from fully enjoying our time together.  I'm so confused because on one hand, I want to go with the flow and enjoy each precious moment with him, but I don't want to hurt him.  And on the other hand, what if I am letting Mr. Right pass me by, because I am occupied with Mr. Right-Now? 

Desperate for your help,

Confused Corina

Dear Corina,

On one hand it's great that you've come to know yourself well enough that you can hear your goddess voice of discernment, and that you are concerned for Mr. Right-Now's feelings.  On the other hand…maybe you are running out of hands!  Perhaps you should evoke Durga, the ten-armed Hindu goddess, to help you handle all your "what ifs", so you can stop making excuses for why you are not showing up fully in your life!  Haven't you ever heard the lyrics by Stephen Stills, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with!"?

My suggestion to you is to have a hands on, cards on the table conversation with Mr. Right-Now, for example:   "Because I have such a high regard for you and appreciate the great times we've been having, I owe it to you to be honest. Although I am having a wonderful time, I intuitively feel that we aren't the "ones" for each other.  At some point, I fear, we will go our separate ways, and when that day comes, I want you to feel honored in knowing that I've been upfront with you.  If it is ok with you to continue dating me moment by precious moment, without futurizing our relationship, then I would love to continue.  However, if this information changes the way you feel, I will respect your choice."

If he agrees to continue this relationship, you are free to relish each delicious millisecond with him.  Until your goddess guidance gives you a neon sign to move on, explore the reason you are together.  What are you here to teach each other? What is your 'soul-agreement?  In this way, when you are complete with this dance, it won't be dooms day, it will be dharma day…a day of the completion of your soul's work together, a day of celebrating and honoring the important contribution you both have made to each other's lives.  Not to mention that your goddess muscles will be toned and ready for the next Mr. Right-Now, or perhaps Mr. Right, himself!

p.s. We only have "now" no matter who we are with! So, you might as well throw your whole self in, hands and all!  What are you waiting for?!?

Dear Goddess,

I've recently met the love of my life.  In my 50 years of life I've been married twice and dated many women.  And until recently, I've consider myself to be quite a connoisseur of love.  This is incredibly humbling for me to be so thrown off kilter.  Meeting the goddess I've been waiting for my whole life should be cause for great celebration, but most of the time I'm in agony.  We live in different parts of the country and because of work and kids; we only get the opportunity to see each other for a few days every month.  This space and time away from her is absolutely excruciating.  What can I do to make the waiting less torturous?

Waiting to exhale,

Tortured Timothy

Dear Timothy,

First of all, Timothy, breathe!  Keep in mind that you've probably been waiting life times for this relationship (not just this life time) and you can certainly wait one more year!  This is the home stretch...you can do this!  While you are waiting, it might help you to realize that "soul mate" relationships usually require an initiation period.   Every "soul-mate" couple I know has had to endure some kind of test, whether it be time, distance, kids, ex-wives or husbands, ect…to prepare you for big LOVE with a capitol 'L'.  You are not alone in your aloneness! In fact, the physical distance between you and your beloved during this year is a gift.  Don't think of this time as something to get through, but a fertile time to grow and glow while you prepare yourself for her.  Remember, soul-mate relationships, though delicious and wonderful, are not for the week of heart.  Make no mistake; you are on a hero's journey.  Use this time wisely!

Here is a soul-mate preparation exercise to midwife you through the labor pains: 

Close your eyes, and imagine your beloved.  See the details of her, the curve of her neck, the shape of her lips…the smell of her hair, the sound of her voice, etc... Imagine how you feel with her beside you...feel the contentment, relish the bliss, expand in the ecstasy.  Now, as you take three deep breaths, feel all of this wonderful energy you've just projected onto your beloved returning to your own heart...your own body...your own skin…until it is no longer outside of you in any way.

Realize, as you feel this wonderful fullness and joy, that your physical circumstances have not changed...but you have.  The fact that you are now filled with bliss (whereas just moments before you felt tortured) proves that you are more powerful than you realized.  Because you created this experience, you can recreate it again anytime you choose. 

Anytime you'd like, you can remember that your beloved is a part of you, never apart from you, and you can consciously reconnect with "her" anytime, anywhere. 

As you practice this exercise (I recommend that you do it daily, or better yet, several times daily), you will be able to maintain your circle of power while you sit beside her, flesh to flesh--walk beside her, make love with her, and make a life with her.  Then, my darling, you will be a true connoisseur of love! 

Dear Goddess,

I've been married 11 years and have two young children.  Though my husband and I care deeply for each other, most of our marriage I've been very unfulfilled (especially sexually).  I recently met someone with whom I am immensely attracted (we're talking 4th of July fireworks!) and have begun to have an affair. 

Photo by John Graf

My friends, therapist, co-workers and psychic are all pleading with me to run away from this guy.  They say he is bad news and that I am ruining my marriage.  I know they're right, yet I keep going back and forth between breaking off my relationship with my lover to calling him a few days later in desperation to see him.  I feel guilt-ridden, yet on another level I feel so fulfilled by him sexually (beyond description).  I dream of being able to combine my husband's strength of character and my lover's passion into one man…that would be heaven!  But, then I wake-up and realize that I have to make a choice.  I feel dizzy going back and forth in my mind, and I just can't seem to find solid ground!

Begging for help,

Wanderlust Wanda

 
Dear Wanda,

Every once in a while when soul-mates become stale-mates, you need to stir the pot!  And that's exactly what you've done.  Ultimately, your choice isn't between your hum-drum hubby and your luscious lover, but about you taking responsibility for your happiness.

Think of this situation as if it was a dream, and all of the characters in this dream theatre are you.  Your lover represents the passionate, spectacularly sexy aspect of yourself, and your husband represents the solid, grounded, day-to-day aspect of you.  Because you are the writer and director of your dream theatre, you can change the play.  Keeping in mind that we tend to take for granted that which we have and covet that which we don't have…projecting upon the object we don't have an exaggerated power and importance; beyond what it naturally deserves.

Most of us are trained to look for the fulfillment of our needs in the people in our lives.  Though people sometimes do fulfill certain needs from time to time, if we become dependant upon them as our source, they will inevitably let us down. 

Leaving your husband of 11 years, the father of your two children, would be an option only after you've tried absolutely EVERYTHING you can do to find fulfillment within your marriage.  In the meantime, proceed from your goddess center, feeling whole in your soul (as opposed to filling a hole in your soul), and allow yourself to awaken to the realization that YOU are the one you've been dreaming of your entire life! 

Photo by Jen Mosley

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