Dear Goddess,

I've been celibate for the last four years.  When my x-boyfriend left me, I was breathless.  I was so shocked I couldn't breathe, my asthma inhaler was nowhere to be found, and I had my worst attack to date.  I just turned 38, and until recently, anytime an attractive man would look my way I'd glare at him or make a snide comment to kill any possibility of ever starting a relationship that could eventually hurt me again.  Since my birthday a few days ago, however, the thought has occurred to me that perhaps I might want to date again (I can't believe I'm actually writing this!).  But I am TERRIFIED of making the same mistakes I did before.

Help me Goddess,

Breathless Brittany

Dear Brittany,

Good for you for taking time for yourself and for being courageous enough to be willing to think about venturing forth into the dating world again. I bet these last four years of celibacy have been filled with opportunities for you to get to know yourself like never before.  During your dark night of the soul you've connected with your core essence that didn't die when your former relationship ended. 

Your former self wasn't as strong as the woman you are now.  The only 'mistake' you made before was that you gave yourself (your breath, power, and sense of being) to the man you were dating.  You breathed your life force into him, and when he was gone, so was your sense of self.  In many spiritual practices, your breath represents your spirit (respiration, and inspiration), and these past four years have afforded you the opportunity to catch your breath/spirit.  Now your task is to keep a connection to it especially as you begin to tip-toe back into the dating pool once again.  Practice with each inhale, pulling back into your body any bit of your power you've given away, exhale any attachment to anyone or anything that you project will give you anything you think you don't already have.  Know that with each breath, you and only you are in charge of your spirit, your soul, your life force.  Take a deep breath, relax, and have some fun!

 Dear Goddess,

I'm a 42 year old attractive professional who has been dating a guy that I'm really crazy about for the past six months.  When we make love he tells me he wants me to have his baby.  Yet, in the light of day, he treats the topic of commitment like a 4-letter word.  This makes no sense to me.  Every time I see him, I fall more and more hopelessly in love with him, yet his mixed messages persist.  I'm becoming increasingly more confused.  What should I do?

Desperately yours,

Mixed up Mikela

Dear Mikela,

You can have whatever you want.  You need to decide, is it commitment? Is it a baby with a guy you have chemistry with? Or, do you want the whole nine-yards?  The Goddess within you knows that in order to have it all, you must be discerning. And let's face it Mikela, you know quite well that just because a man wants you to have his baby does not mean that he wants you to be his lady!

It sounds to me that your guy is operating by his primal, pre-historic cave man instinct to populate the planet, which doesn't equate to "I'll stand beside you forever more."

If I were you, Mikela, I'd take a Goddess stand.  Gently, sweetly, but firmly let him know what you want.  Until or unless he is ready to not just rise to the occasion (pun intended) but be your king that gives you, his Goddess Queen, a diamond ring, then no more ba-da-bing! 

Dear Goddess,

I've been dating a man for the past two years.  He continuously expresses a desire to move in and take our relationship to the next level.  I continue to put up blocks because of his inability to communicate maturely when he is upset.  When he is hurt he has a hairpin blame trigger.  In other words, he is quick to point the finger and slow to take responsibility for his pain. 

If communication wasn't such a huge part of my value system, I might not have a problem moving forward.  But, I happen to regard responsible communication as one of the pillars of a successful relationship.  So unless I see a drastic change in him, I can't move forward.  Yet, I'm conflicted because I love him so much, and have such a great connection with him in so many other areas.  Am I being too rigid about my communication requirements? Should I just accept him as he is? Or should I leave this relationship now before we both get more attached? 

Help,

Communicating Carla

Dear Carla,

I happen to relate to your desire and insistence on mature communication.  I too prefer a high level of personal responsibility and have a low (or no) threshold for blame.

However, not everyone is cut from the same cloth as you and I.  In relationship, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.  When most people are hurt, their knee jerk (emphasis on jerk) reaction is to blame someone, and if no human is around they'll find an inanimate object.  Neuropathways don't change over night, so unless a person is trained to take responsibility for their pain, they will default to this typical unenlightened response.  It is unmerciful and unrealistic of you to expect immediate transformation from your lover.

I suggest that you try a 3-month experiment whereby you attempt the following:
 
1.) Stick a sock in your mouth each and every time you feel the knee jerk (emphasis on jerk) reaction to correct him for his immature behavior. You've already let him know the behavior you'd like to see, so consider the seed has been planted.

2.) With sock in mouth, walk into another room, and allow the absence of your energy to be a reminder to him of the desired behavior you've requested.  Without your disapproval in the room, he is left with the seeds you've planted that can now begin to take root.

3.) As you let your "0% blaming and 100% self-responsibility" seeds to grow, in 3 months time if there is fruit on the vine, then you know you are safe to proceed with this relationship.  If no progress has been made, then you can release this relationship, knowing that you've hit an impasse.  If he does make progress in his communication and you still feel afraid to move forward, then do what you do best, take responsibility for your fear of deeper commitment!

Photo by Jen Mosley

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