Dear Goddess,

I recently met a man whom I'm enormously attracted to and we've been dating for a few weeks.  We get a long great and have a lot in common.  The only problem is that he seems to mention his ex-girlfriend at least once every conversation we have.  Every time I hear her name, I inwardly cringe, my heart begins to plummet, and a dark cloud descends over my sunny mood.  It affects me so adversely because his mentioning her makes me feel that he isn't over her yet.  I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone, much less some girl who probably dumped him!!! Yet, it's rare for me to meet someone who I like and am attracted to like this. 

What should I do?

Second Fiddle Fiona

Dear Fiona,

It is very typical in a new relationship to talk about the most recent past, especially if it ended traumatically.  Its part of how we process and heal, put back the pieces of ourselves, and make sense out of the whirlwind that just blew through our lives. How else are we to learn from our mistakes. Of course, processing the past can become nauseating if it is taken to an unhealthy extreme.  But, for the most part, his lingering feelings for his ex, if explored, could be an invaluable gift in disguise.  Take this opportunity to gain insight into his soul before taking the plunge into the ocean of devotion!

Finding out what makes him tick, why they broke up and what his process has been can be relationship gold because it can be a window into his heart, beyond his superficial ego mask, as fabulous as it may be.  Also be aware that the subtext beneath his "ex-communication" is probably an attempt to impress you or to hook you by making you jealous.  The bottom line is if he wasn't interested in you he wouldn't bother sharing any of this with you.

Instead of resisting the 'ex-communication',  encourage him to spill the beans.  Be his shoulder to cry on.  Find out what went wrong, what he loved about her, what the hardest part of this break up has been, what he would have done differently, what he's learned' everything!!!  Who knows, this might turn out to be a powerfully bonding opportunity for you both where you set the stage for your relationship from a wise, deep and real place (what a concept!) 

For the next month, go on a fact finding mission to discover as much as you can about him.  Practice being a great listener. And if the worst case scenario happens, that he is hopelessly devoted to his ex, then be grateful that you found out before you fell head over heals.  Be his friend, and encourage him to resolve his issues, maybe even to get back together with her. Either way you'll come out smelling like a rose.   

He'll love and appreciate your wisdom and compassion, and probably want to be with you all the more. Besides, great relationships always begin with at least with some degree of friendship.  You'll win either way and you'll have nothing to loose except for your drama and your fantasy that you two live on a deserted island with no past and no other people to get in your way.

Of course, your ego might be a bit bruised while he tells his tale of woe, because your ego wants to be the center of his universe.  I know doing this would take a little of the romance out of the honeymoon stage, but, in hindsight, you'll be grateful. Consider the effect of reverse psychology.  Because you have been resisting the 'ex-communication', it continues to persist.  However, if you stop resisting, and actually become extremely interested, in no time he will tire of the it and find new things to talk about' namely YOU! Nothing mends a broken heart like love, and the attentive listening of a wonderful goddess such as yourself!

Besides, Fiona, you and I both know that it is impossible for you to play second fiddle to anyone.  As you connect with your inner goddess, you will be a much greater and brighter space for him to forget that his ex even exists.  In no time all the love and adoration that he has been channeling toward her will be yours, and your biggest problem will be what to do with all the love???

Best of luck!

Photo by John Graff

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