Fools Aplenty: Lindsay, Jesse and Tiger - The Awful Truth About April’s Foolishness

The truth has a masterful way of rooting out the fools. If only it were the other way around.

The thing that impresses me most with this year’s crop of April Fools is that even after they’ve been revealed as fools, they keep coming back for more. These are resilient fools, like weeds that refuse to be killed or a TV show that comes back after being cancelled (Donald Trump, are you listening?).

Lindsay Lohan -- It’s not enough that she files a vexatious lawsuit against E*Trade for a perceived affront when they named a “milk-aholic” infant Lindsay. Now, she is publicly asking George Lopez to stop making fun of her. To his credit, George tweeted back an invite for her to come on his show and talk about it face to face. Smart PR tactics on his part, and it tosses the ball back in Lindsay’s court.

The Truth: No one thought the kid in the commercial was styled after you. Your claim that people refer to you as only your first name, like Sting, Cher and Madonna, is like saying that every time someone puts a fat person in an ad that it’s a slight against Kirstie Alley. You’re vain, stupid and untalented. Please go on Lopez’s show, so I have something to write about next week.

Jesse James -- No one was surprised when the reality TV star and biker with the porn star ex-wife turned out to be a philandering fool. Now, he has announced he’s going into rehab to deal with his personal problems. Apparently sex is the “addiction du jour.” I don’t think that’s his problem, though. His real problem is that there is no rehab yet for being a self-absorbed jerk.

The Truth: Jesse, don’t you dare even try to head-fake toward the idea that you’re a victim of any kind of addiction. You’re just a selfish, cold-hearted dipstick, and there is a nation of 300 million people hoping that Sandra Bullock wakes up and realizes she can do better.

Tiger Woods -- Quickly approaching broken record status, the newest revelations are that Tiger’s inner circle helped facilitate many of his liaisons with waitresses and models, despite Tiger’s protestations to the contrary. Part of me wants to say “who cares?” but I am a fan of irony. It’s amazing that a guy who has done so many different styles of mea culpas still can’t figure out how to tell the truth, even when he claims to be coming clean.

The Truth: Dude, it’s really disrespectful to expect us to believe that a guy with as many professional obligations as yourself could keep track of all the women you were secretly using as a practice putting green. James Bond couldn’t keep track of that many women on his own. How is it that you haven’t figured out that lies and half-truths have a way of doubling back on you on the back 9? If you can’t tell the truth all the way in a public forum, don’t try to sell us a bill of goods that’s worth less than a used 9 iron that’s bent from being wrapped around your thick noggin.

The truth is an unrelenting mistress. She doesn’t care about your public image. She doesn’t care about your ego. She doesn’t care about your family. She doesn’t have ulterior motives or false agendas, and she doesn’t take sides. She just IS. And you can either accept the truth and all the consequences of speaking the truth when it’s time to do so, or you can deny it and live the lie. The only problem is that lies have shelf lives. They only live so long, and eventually the truth will come out, no matter how hard you try to keep the lid on.

But, by all means, keep on ignoring the truth. It makes it easier to spot the fools.

(Tony Panaccio, Senior Campaign Strategist for EMSI Public Relations , is a 25-year veteran writer, marketer and producer in the entertainment industry, having worked with luminaries such as William Shatner, Stan Lee and Michael Uslan. He has been a journalist and a senior executive with several of the world’s largest PR firms.)

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