I don't know if you're able to help me because my situation is so bleak. It's really hard for me to even talk about it to you.
Back in January of last year Bill, my husband, and I met for lunch. We both took the day off because we both had some sort of a feeling that we should make it that kind of a special day.
Around Christmastime we had both were feeling so poorly that we had decided to go to some doctors to have us checked out. I had some sort of a suspicion that I might be pregnant again and that is one of the reasons why we decided to take the day off and have lunch together.
We went to our favorite Italian restaurant and we were really unusually happy being together, specially just for lunch. It was like we were dating again. My doctor had told me that morning that I was pregnant and I was so excited to tell him that I couldn't wait to get to the restaurant. We already had two boys and he really wanted a little girl baby. Since I was so in the clouds, it took me a few minutes after we sat down to see Bill was not looking very good. All of a sudden I started to have a very weird feeling that something was important but I couldn't put my finger on it.
I kept wanting to tell Bill my good news but he said to wait until we finished lunch. He didn't seem to eat a lot and I started to wonder what was up. After we split a latte he finally said that he could tell we both had some very important news right then (I think he knew what I was going to say before I said it!).
He told me to go first but some of the joy was already out of my declaration that I was pregnant. When I told him that he started to cry. I knew right then something was very wrong, so I asked him what was going on with him, and he said they told me he had esophageal cancer and that it appears to be very advanced.
We drove home without saying anything to each other that day, we were both in such a state of shock that we didn't even talk about either of our news for almost a week: we just tried to be there to be great parents for the two children we already had.
I do massage therapy for a living and Bill worked for an insurance company. The horribly sad thing is that we never expected to have to have life insurance at this time of our lives. Victoria, we never took out any life insurance policy.
By the time I got my news about Bill I was almost 3 months pregnant. He went down hill very quickly, so I had to keep working until the day before the baby was born. Bill couldn't work after the third month and, because he hadn't been in this job very long he didn't have much built up in benefits. Two days after the baby was born I woke up and Bill was not there any more. I don't any sort of memory of what the next few days were like at all. I sometimes think that I was almost dead myself. I definitely was in some sort of a bizarre way, I know that.
Bill's family helped me out with some money a little bit, but my family is poor and didn't have any way of helping me much at all in the money department. They were very kind to me, but had nothing to help me with as far as the funeral arrangements were themselves. I went back to work 10 days after having the baby girl that Bill wanted so much. That was 4 days after my husband was buried. But, I was so lucky because my clients gave me really big tips and gifts for the baby, and even offered to take care of my children so I could have a little time to myself and the baby. By the way my boys are now 5 and 7.
Because of my strong beliefs I know that I am going to get through this, but I don't know how. Now it has been 7 months. I'm exhausted all the time but somehow I'm still able to pay my rent and put food on the table for my children, and I have more clients than I ever had before.
What do you see for me? Am I going to collapse or am I going to keep going like this?
First of all congratulations for having gotten through this so well. And, please' do congratulate YOURSELF: often! You've recently come through what a famous theologian from the Middle Ages coined, 'The Dark Night of the Soul;' what this means is that everything is about as bleak as it can get when we feel there is nothing left for us and we truly want to give up, even life itself' and then it gets still worse...It's important for me that you believe that you are well and truly on the far side of the very traumatic experiences you went through. And, your Spirit Guides are informing me that you went through so much and came through it so well, that you will never, ever be required to experience anything like that again! Another way of saying this is that it will only get better and better for you, from here on in'
Over the past 20-plus years, I have heard from many, many people who have stories similar to yours (however, saying that is in no way, shape or form, meant to diminish the horror of what you went through--at all). Many years ago, I did not believe in young families spending their often fairly limited resources on acquiring life-insurance policies; however, after hearing so many incredible, similar stories about widows with young children having to cope with such great odds such as you're experiencing, that I now see things very differently'
Diane, one of the things I'm being guided to help you with--and this is coming through from your very own Spirit Guides' is that you had a lot of good, solid support while Bill was dying, even if you weren't able to recognize it at that time. Some of the support was from your and his many friends; his co-workers; and your respective families, all of whom helped you significantly in various ways. Those big and little; especially financially. It seems important now that you recognize that as majorly traumatic as those several months were, you did always have loving support around you. If you are able to grasp this, it will help you to elevate your emotions, as well as help you let go of some important aspects of that time, that you still need to release. I do hope that I'm making myself at least somewhat clear!
I am able to see Bill, as he looks on The Other Side. He has asked me to tell you that from here on in, you will begin to feel better--and better--about life...! He is informing me that the little girl you had together, is destined to be a great healer. In fact, she is already working, on a soul level, to help you finish shifting everything that you went through. Also (according to Bill), somewhere around September life will be looking so good to you, that you will be absolutely amazed' !
Diane, my own Spirit Guides are asking me to help you on understand that what you recently went through actually was--meant to happen. Both on a kharmic' and cosmic' level. Too much information, for right now, though'
It's important to work as much as you can on putting the past behind you. I don't mean this comment to be in any way callous, cruel or judgmental! In fact, one of my classic phrases is 'that was then, this is now.' I even apply this adage to myself in everything I do in my life! I also encourage all my clients, friends and cohorts to let past hurts drop away, little by little; it's something I'm known for...
Unfortunately, it was meant to be that your husband's firm create a benefit fund for you and your children, after Bill's death; if they had done so, by now you would be feeling a lot less weighted down, and a lot happier about life, in general. However, Bill and your Spirit Guides are in the process of helping you to receive that much needed money, from a variety of different sources; this will take place over the next year or two'
Each time you have a little windfall come in, please: put aside 12-18% of the money; this is meant to happen, to help you go back to school to learn a new skill! Don't worry yet what type of school you're meant to attend' it's way too soon! Just' do this!!!
Here's an entirely different 'take' on everything I've just been telling you: the very best is yet to come. You are doing amazingly well, and I see only good in continuing to increase ever more, from here on in'
All the best,
Please also feel free to 'Google' Victoria Bullis!