Hello, my name is Dustin. I recently went back to school to finally get a degree. I listened to you this morning while I was at work. I wanted to call in but my boss was standing about three feet away. All afternoon I kept thinking about you and finally got this chance to email you while he is out of the office. I want to ask you about a long term relationship I was in and some dating problems I have.
I started dating this girl few years ago when we were in high school. I always thought that we would remain friends, but recently we haven't been getting along very well at all. I still have feelings for her, and my day is really ruined whenever I hear from friends that she's just been talking about me, which seems to be a lot of the time these days. When I hear the way she says I used to treat her, it brings me down so much I can't even study or face going back to work the next day. I'm also assuming that it is visa versa with her, too.
I'm not sure if I'm still in love with her, but I know I'm confused about the whole subject. Every day I seem to change how I feel about her and what I want in a relationship sense with her. Part of the reason I go back and forth is because I'm almost sure she broke it off with me for some other guy, although she says she didn't. I even think I know who he is. I'm ashamed to say this but sometimes I find myself hoping that she'll come back to me and fall in love with me all over again, just so that I can make her have to go through what I went through, and feel what I felt.
Do you think we should try to be friends? Or should we try to stay away from each other? That would be very hard to do. But at least we would stop trying to ruin each others lives.
I have been called a womanizer, a player, shallow and some other similar names before (not that often, but definitely more than just a few times) based on what people think are my sexual exploits, and whatever else they've thought up in their minds. That really hurts me a lot because I don't see myself that way at all. I have to admit that it is true that I do want to be with more than one girl. Can you help me deal with why I keep having the urge to be with one girl after another? Occasionally I feel guilty and ashamed of myself, but a lot of the time I don't. Do you foresee any end to this big pattern of mine? When I'm with someone I care about, I feel that she is meant to be with me and I pour my heart and soul into my relationship with her. But then, another girl comes along who makes me feel different from anyone who I've ever met and I start becoming infatuated all over again. When that happens, I become less and less interested in the one I've just been with. I only start feel bad about this when I start getting nasty feedback from friends. Mostly friends of the person I was walking away from. Do you see any end to this? I'm being honest with you, so that I can really get help from you. So I'm going to tell you one more thing, that I do have a lot of fun with this 'game,' especially when I'm at the beginning of a new relationship. But I don't think I want to remain like this; I do think I want to one day be infatuated with a wife, and be faithful.
Anyway, thank you for your time. If you would get back to me that would be wonderful. I will try my very best to take your advice.
As with a lot of people who write to me your question has several components. Here are a few of them: (1) What to do about that long-term relationship (2) Being faithful (3) Thriving on a relationship when it's in its early stages' you eluded to it as a 'game' (4) Wanting to be in serial relationships (i.e., one after the other) (5) Recognizing that you're in a pattern and wanting some help on it (6) Listening to and being affected by friends of whoever you're dating, who gossip about you.
The reason I decided to respond to you has a lot to do with the fact that you were willing to be honest about your feelings, even the negative ones and' more importantly, I feel you are truly seeking help. I'm not able to address all the above points here, but will deal with the ones that I'm guided to, those that will help you the most at this point.
Everybody has negative emotions from time to time, revenge being one of them. A major key to getting over destructive thinking is to recognize that you do sometimes focus your thoughts in this way. Wanting her to fall back in love with you so that you can hurt her is definitely destructive thinking on your part. Rather than blame yourself for it, decide that it is unhealthy for you to view her in this manner. Seeking revenge after a relationship goes sour is all too common' but as with many other human emotions, it isn't a good way to look at life. One way for you to begin changing your pattern is to catch yourself as you're thinking thoughts of revenge, and make a conscious effort to stop yourself; deciding that you are too good for that kind of low-level mentality. Although, it may take a while because you were badly hurt, eventually these anger-based thought forms will be minimized. 'Practice makes perfect' applies, even with changing negative thinking.
As far as thriving on being totally 'there' with a woman when you are newly in a relationship, this can be seen as both glass-half-empty, glass-half-full: what I mean by that is going to surprise you' First, the glass-half-empty part. Even though I'm not a therapist, I can see that you have something of an addiction to falling in love (lots of people have this; women, especially). You'll need to work that one out with a therapist. The glass-half-full aspect, however, you'll find quite informative. Part of your life's purpose, this time around is to not to settle down with just one woman. In fact, you're actually meant to enjoy the company of quite a number of women! You've had many, many lives as a monk or as someone who for whatever reason needed to remain celibate. You've experienced even more where you were duty-bound, remaining trapped in a loveless marriage. Before you set foot on earth this time, your Spirit Guides worked with you to help you to allow yourself to have numerous, short-term romantic liaisons' without it being inappropriate in any way shape or form! You might even look at it as playing 'catch-up' in some way! You are a good person, and you are doing at least 72% of what you're meant to, re each woman you've had a relationship with. Here are two points to note re you're the long term one you're still having issues with. One, you weren't meant to be in the relationship as long as you were; you began to get trapped, which is your usual pattern (from so many other life times). Secondly, you care far too much about what her friends are saying; they're only seeing what she wants them to see. Their perspective is definitely askewed.
My Guidance is telling me that it's important for you to be faithful to each woman you enter a relationship with. They're also saying that you need to develop your intuition to such a degree that you will realize when it's time to slip out, so-to-speak, of one relationship at the appropriate time so that you're available when the next one shows up. Ie, there should be a clean break with one so that you before you begin the next, so it doesn't become 'mucky.'
You mention an end to the pattern you're in. I hope that you are beginning to see that this doesn't have to be viewed as a negative one' Change your perspective, and the outcome will change as well.
Back to that long-term relationship. I feel that you need to put some distance between you and her at least for the next several months. You and she are locked into a number of karmic patterns that will be difficult to shift if you're still in contact with each other. I do feel that you'll be friends eventually, but not any time soon. Too many lower level emotions (such as anger) exist to be able to transform the relationship right now. Plus she feeds off what her friends tell her. In other words, I'm suggesting that you 'give it a rest.'
You mentioned that you hope to marry someone and be infatuated and faithful to her. To me, the word 'infatuated' is an odd choice of word! The term 'infatuated' goes hand-in-hand with the concept of being addicted to romance. Marriage is meant to involve a strong, deep, committed loving relationship; it is not meant to be about infatuation in any way, shape or form. This too is something to work out with a good therapist.
I hope this has helped! I have volumes more to say but, unfortunately only have so much space allocated to answer each email.
All the best,
Please also feel free to 'Google' Victoria Bullis!