Recently, I finally took my first significant step to end my 25-year-marriage, one that really should have ended quite some time ago.
I've had a lot of turmoil in my marriage for a very long time, probably even for eight or nine years. Besides that, I have lost a number of people who were important to me in my life, something like approaching the last three years. It was only about a year ago that the last one died, and for me that was the very end. Losing him at that point was the maximum that I, as a human being, was able to handle. I fell to pieces, which is the only way I know how to describe what happened. I gave up any iota of fight that there was still within me. At the same time, I there and then lost all hope that anything good would ever happen to me, ever. I shut myself down so much that I operated something like an 'automaton'' I have absolutely no idea how I was able to go on functioning in any way, shape or form, or go about doing my daily routines and duties.
I still cannot even fathom how I survived that period, because I was so barely operational as a human being. There is so much time I can't account for, that I even need help to know what went on, during that time. I'm pretty sure I didn't have amnesia, but not entirely sure. Victoria, I need to have you tell me either what went on then, or who to go to, to seek help for myself. Right this very minute, it feels as though I'm having an out-of body experience.
The main reason I have put off a divorce for so long a time is mostly due to my deep rooted fear of having to be responsible for myself, financially. Even though I know that living with him is slowly sucking the very life out of me, and that my two children have been affected a lot.
I'm working very hard on being strong and trying to fight my fears; because I know that if I stay with him he will totally bring me down mentally, and will continue to abuse my children. I'm so very confused.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I congratulate you on taking that first step towards ending your abusive marriage. I want you to know that I absolutely realize how painful, and even traumatic it has been for you to take that initial step'
Before I address your questions, it's important for me to state that I'm not a therapist or in any way licensed in that field. So whatever I tell you, is what I intuit--and receive information on from my Spirit Guides (this is important for me to state, as legally, I'm not able to suggest to you what actions to take; you need to run this by your therapist and/or doctor' ).
Since you didn't mention to me the names, or relationships, of those people you lost, it's difficult for me to make any comments about them, at this time' However--one of them is 'appearing' to me, looking as though it was your father, in life' The reason I say this, is that this male figure was very, very connected to you' and, in a fatherly-type way.
Here, Karen, is something which may help you find a way to heal your emotional body, better: each one of the people who you have eluded to as having passed on, are now either Spirit Guides for you, or--are in the process of becoming new Spirit Guides' In the latter case, they are still 'going to school,' so-to-speak, to understand how to work with you--as your Spirit Guides; another way of saying this is that each and every one of them will be watching over you, to help you create better the life you were meant to live. A grandmother of yours, to be specific, is now very much 'hands-on' with you' totally working on helping you to make all these losses (including that one relating to your divorce) active catalysts, to propel you into far greater achievements in life than you would have otherwise. This grandmother is asking me to tell you that she loves you very, very much--and that you do know--exactly who she is!
As far as your comment that you lost all hope that anything good would ever happen to you, ever' I need to remind you (I say 'remind' versus 'tell'' as you really do know this, already' ) that the Universe never gives any of us more to do--than we can actually handle...Even though this may sound trite, I fundamentally believe this to be true: both from all my years of working with people' and some things I've had to deal with, myself!
Karen, you are at the very end of that long, dark period, something which a theologian from the Middle Ages named 'John of God,' called 'The Dark Night of the Soul.' What you need to know is that, at the end of any period of 'darkness' (even such as, literally, long, winter months)' there is always: 'light.' To euphemize a term, you are on the verge of seeing the real' Light. Meaning--Divine Intervention; truly' I want you to know that I am not in any way, shape or form, playing around with you or your emotions. Karen, you are absolutely in the process of beginning a major life-turnaround'
Re your finances and divorce, you need an exceptionally good lawyer to help you, at this time. Since you are not at your strongest, you really do need someone who is very strong, to guide you, and to help take care of important details.
I hope this helps.