I hope you can help me. Although my life seems to be really wonderful to everyone who knows us, there's a lot that goes on under the surface that no one knows about.
I've been married for nine years to a wonderful man, who is both good looking and very kind to me. I'm 31 and he is 38. Jim has always been the kind of person who is quiet most of the time, and who keeps a lot to himself. Even though I knew what he was like before I married him, I must have had blinders on because I didn't realize that this would be a big point of contention for us, down the line. I've read many relationship books and have gone to quite a few therapists and counselors, so I know how important it is to any marriage to have each one accept his or her partner unconditionally, with faults included. What I mean by that is that no one is ever perfect.
I'm finding this hard to express, but there are some aspects to the marriage that used to mean so much to me, and I guess the only way to say is that they have died off. These have left me feeling hollow inside, and dumpy and unattractive.
Please believe me that it's not that I'm ungrateful. I know I have all the most important things handled in life about a relationship. Jim has a very good salary, and he doesn't cheat on me (at least I'm almost positive he doesn't). Besides that, he helps out with the housework, fixes things when they break and comes home every evening after work. And he always remembers my birthday and our anniversary.
I'm almost feeling ashamed to even bring up what is bothering me, because he is such a good man. I just get 'down' sometimes, because of a few things that are part of our daily routine. Such as he only wants to watch television while he eats any of his meals. And when we go to bed at night he is never affectionate, or says that he loves me. I know he is always tired because he is always saying so, but I just wish that once and a while he would kiss me goodnight. Sometimes, but not very often, he will kiss me on the cheek' but exactly the way I have watched him kiss his mother on the cheek. Instead of making me feel that he is being affectionate, I feel that he thinks that I'm like his mother in some way. He never compliments me or tells me I'm pretty. People say that I'm not at all ugly, but maybe he thinks I am? I work-out and try to keep up my appearance.
What am I supposed to do? I love Jim very much and I want more closeness and intimacy with him, but I also know in my heart he doesn't. He tells me that a lot and gets angry when I mention it, particularly when I look like I'm going to start to cry or if I say that I don't feel wanted or special to him. Sometimes I get a weird, funny feeling come over me, and when I do I sneak into the bathroom and find him taking care of what he should have taken care of with me. When I do that he gets into a rage and makes me feel that I committed some sin against him.
I'm very confused, and I'm looking for answers and I hope that you will provide me with some.
Thank you very much,
No matter how similar a theme or issue may be for great numbers of people, the way it shows up for each person is totally specific to her or him. Having said that, you'd be absolutely amazed if you knew how many people have confided to me about issues extremely similar to yours'
Becky, as you probably know by now, and it's important that you do know, I'm not a therapist' I see things not from an emotional or mental perspective, but purely from a spiritual one' When I give information to clients, or to people who contact me on radio stations, as well as those who elicit my help from LASplash Magazine, I do so after first contacting each person's Spirit Guides; it's important to me that the information I pass on to each and every person is agreed to by their individual Guides. I've done it this way for so long, that, for example when I'm on the radio and I hear the caller's question, I instantaneously see that person's Spirit Guides! (another term for Spirit Guides is one's Angels)
So, what I'm saying is that the information I'm about to give you is being confirmed by your very own Guides. By the way, I do see 16 of them around you' What I'm getting, which they're confirming, is that your husband is experiencing some fairly deep issues re his sexuality.
I am able to 'see' (psychically) that you are attractive, in quite good physical shape, that you dress well and are what some people would call 'together.' You also have a nice, upbeat personality and I intuit that you are able to make friends fairly easily. In other words, your husband is not rejecting something about you physically or even personality-wise (ie, the way you think he is doing); this feels important for me to have you understand. This is not about you, it's almost entirely about him.
What I am seeing, Becky, is that your husband is in the throes of deciding what to do about his sexual preference. And I know that you have had your own intuitive moments regarding this' For example, you recently had somewhat of a shock, having noticed him walking in a slightly feminine way'
I can't possibly address all of the dynamics that you mentioned; I will, however, deal with a couple of the most important ones! For example, the fact that he has a good salary and he remembers your birthday and anniversary isn't nearly as important for me to address as is his lack of affection, his eating meals only in front of the television. And, of course, what goes on in the bathroom.
Re his total lack of affection, I do feel that he is trying to shun you, not because of anything that has to do with the word 'ugly' but mostly because he is afraid to address what he wants most in his life' affection coming from another man' Seeing you, a woman, in the home every day seemingly 'throws in his face' what is torturing him. Another way of saying this is that he constantly wants to make you 'wrong' because you can't be the type of person he thinks he wants to be with'
Your Guides are telling me that regarding only eating in front of the television indicates that he is trying to satiate himself with food and give himself some low form of emotional satisfaction from television shows...You didn't mention what kinds of foods he does eat, nor what television shows he watches. It would have been helpful, and I would have gone into more detail.
Becky, it's obvious that you're wearing your heart on your sleeves. I don't want you to make this any more of a self-fulfilling prophecy than it has already begun to be, ie that you're 'not worthy.' So not at all true! You need someone professionally trained to help you recognize an entirely different perspective from the one that you have' one that you definitely don't deserve! I propose that you find a wonderful counselor/therapist who I can tell is in your area, who can help you to deal with these truly important issues. One of your Guides has suggested that you get a little help, initially, from a Pastor or someone similar, at the church you attend. It feels as though he or she will be able to recommend that therapist I see in your area, perfect for you at this point, someone who well understands your very specific type of issue'
I suggest you ask the counselor for some pertinent web sites to check out.
Lastly, I do not believe that your hubby set out intending to hurt you the way he has been doing; I feel that he is in so much fear and pain, that he doesn't know any other way to deal with this overwhelming, all-encompassing sexual issue' Obviously, when you have the urge to check out what's going on in the shower, your intuition is telling you that something is going on; until you get another kind of help from a therapist, I suggest not ever going into the bathroom while he's in the shower' you don't need to see that. It just hurts you more, gets him more angry' and serves no purpose whatsoever.
I sincerely hope I've helped you to see your situation somewhat differently.
Please, Becky, do get some help for yourself. You are absolutely not alone.
All the best,
p.s. I would like to hear from you again, down the line to see how you're doing.
Please also feel free to 'Google' Victoria Bullis!