I think that my question might be unusual for you. Even though I read your column routinely, I don't think I have ever seen a question like mine, so that I hope that you can help me too. My father died 7 weeks ago and I am having trouble getting over it. A few nights before he died, I had a powerful dream about him that he was going to die, and that I should take a leave from work and go see him. The next morning, I had a very heavy feeling inside of me. I don't know how to describe it but I felt terribly guilty and full of shame. I was also afraid to follow my gut feeling and call into work to say that I needed a day off, when at that point my father seemed to be doing fine.
While I was making coffee that morning, I made myself think that I would go and see him the next weekend. I wasn't doing that well at work and I had a lot of financial problems to deal with. Yes, I was afraid that I might get fired if I asked for an extra day off and I know I was worried about taking a day off without being paid.
By the time I got to work, I had convinced myself that I would go and see him during the weekend. But then I got busy and forgot about it. That night I got home after 9:00pm.
I was thinking about my dad all the way home, and immediately called him and got his voice mail. I left a message for him saying, 'Dad I want to come and spend the weekend with you, and I hope that's okay. It will be great, we'll do some cool stuff together.' As I hung up, I had a really bad feeling about the message but I made myself not worry about it.
The next morning when I woke up with an overwhelming feeling like I just had to go and see my father right then. Victoria, the feeling was so strong that I felt like I was going to throw up while I was making my coffee. I decided I had to go, and that I didn't care about losing my job as much as I cared about seeing him. I threw some things into my suitcase and got my assistant to book my trip for 9:00. While I was running down the stairs to get to the train with my suitcase, something very bizarre happened to me. I didn't even associate it with my father, but I had a very depressing feeling come over me that was so strong that didn't think I could even live anymore. The feeling was that I had let someone down (like I said I didn't associate with my father at least at that moment) so much that it was too much for me to bear.
But at that instant I began I found myself practically sliding down the stairs, over to my car and going at high speed to the airport. The closer I got to the airport the more angry and upset I got. I actually left my car at the departure terminal, and ran in, knowing that my car would be towed! As I got my boarding pass my heart was racing. Even though I was early I ran to the gate. But before I got there I heard, my name being called over the load speaker. I think I knew then that my father had already died, but I didn't want to believe it, as by then, I was in my heart-of-hearts, trying to be there for him.
I didn't stop to find the phone, but continued on to the gate. I guess looked like a wild man, because when I went up to the airline personnel at the gate desk, they figured out who I was. They even had an airline counselor-type person coming up to the desk at the same time I arrived to try to help me. Victoria, I haven't been able to eat or sleep much since then, and whatever food I try to take in I don't seem to be able to keep down. My daughter is really worried about me, because she thinks that I'm trying to kill myself over how much guilt I have. I'm even starting to believe myself that this might be true.
I desperately need some help. I tried going to some therapists, but I didn't think that they cared about my situation at all. I owed my father a lot. He worked overtime and sacrificed a lot to put me through school. I cannot believe that I couldn't make the gesture to go visit him for his last moments on earth. Is there anything that you can help me to do to tell me what my father thinks of all of this? Is he alright? Has he forgiven me or will he ever forgive me? I want him to know how much I love him and how sorry I am that I wasn't there for him when he needed me the very most.
I hope that I will be able to bring you some sense of peace. I am able to connect with your father on The Other Side; that's one of the main reasons I was guided to respond to your letter.
Yes, it would have been better for you to have been with your father before he died; he even prayed that you would be there. However, as with all of us when we do transcend our life here, and go through some experience such as a 'Tunnel,' we see everything differently. So, when your father passed over, he first saw his parents, a brother, his Spirit Guides and some Angels waiting for him' plus, the spirit of a dog he had had when he was about 16 or 17 years of age.
After his first feeling of euphoria of being with them again, he received an almost immediate message that he shouldn't worry about the fact that you weren't there to say good-bye.
Because life looks very different when we pass over, he immediately let it go and totally understood what had transpired. By the way, when he was experiencing that, it was about the time you were leaving him the voice mail message.
Dennis, all I can say to you is that your father absolutely, totally, not only has forgiven you for not being there with him, before he died' but is actually feeling a sense of remorse that you are still holding onto your own sense of guilt. He understands exactly what happened, even more than you do (ie, that you had job, financial' as well as past life issues with him, all of which made it difficult for you to 'step up to the plate,' so-to-speak, and be there in time to have a final communication with him).
Your intention was pure, that you would do whatever you needed to be there for him, and to say good-bye (thus, the dream' that you did try to act on, in time). But, at the same time, you were (and are) also facing major issues on the job-front. I can see that if you had to ask for any more time off, you very likely would have been put on probation' at least. The pressure you felt inside to take the best course of action in either area was so overwhelming that, for a couple of days, you were almost non-functional.
Unfortunately, one of those days was exactly when you needed to not care about one of them (ie, the job) AND take care of the other (ie, seeing your father again). Please don't blame yourself: no one else is blaming you. Not your father, not your Spirit Guides; especially not God, who understands everything' I am hearing from your father that you will have a very important dream in the next two to four weeks, when he comes to you in a very crystal clear form. He is promising me that you will be experiencing a major healing with him, and that you will not only remember the dream in vivid detail but will feel the enormous sense of peace that next morning, that have been longing for.
Please, do contact me again after that encounter and let me know what you experienced in that dream (your father asked me to request that of you in case there might be something that you miss, and that I can pass on to you from him).
Dennis please be at peace with yourself,
Please also feel free to 'Google' Victoria Bullis!