Has L.A. Splash Uncovered the Secret of the Google Monster?
April 1, 2017
Special Correspondent Cliff Johnson
From Down Under – North Island, New Zealand
I am visiting down under. You know... New Zealand... southern hemisphere.
If I were standing on my hands, you could see my head by looking down, and count all of the bald spots on it... if I had any.
New Zealand has two main islands, NorthIsland and South Island. I am staying at a "bach" on the west coast of North Island and have heard rumors of a large, long sea monster roaming around a cove on the east coast of North Island off Oke Bay...
Google has pictures of it.
It’s a mystery.
It moves like a huge sea creature, like an enormous eel, or gigantic loach.
"Tis indeed the Loch Ness Monster come to visit New Zealand to get away from all of the tourists peeping into the murky waters of the Scottish Loch. They is a-bugging him while he is watching "Doc Martin" on TV."
Others say "Not to worry... it's just some sort of new fangled American submarine being tested, releasing tendrils of radioactivity, which is OK because not many people use that side of the North Island anyway - just slacker American surfers."
But I am going to rent a car and check it out. I've been warned to not pick up any hitch hikers at night that glow in the dark.
I am going to drive to that eastern cove with a copy of TV Times News in hand (as bait) to dangle on a hook in the salty waters of that cove to see if I can get some sort of reaction. If the Loch Ness Monster really is a TV addict, that should bring him (or her) up.
So here I am, two days later, above OkeBay on the upper east coast of North Island. I spent the whole day yesterday trolling the bay with a copy of the TV Times News (as bait) to no effect. Now I am looking down upon Oke bay with two New Zealanders beside me. One, a white Anglo New Zealander, Mr. Wanz. The other New Zealander is Mr. Tatooari, a healthy looking Maori with tattoos over his shoulders, going around his biceps and circling his ankles.
"Mr. Wanz, what do you think of this mysterious creature?"
"It's a slow moving boat, man! That’s what. At slow speeds ye don't get the cavitation effect on the wake. Just boat wake water waves. Like when you're stuck in a no wake zone. If ye enlarge the photos ye'll see that the part that looks like a head is actually just a boat, going slow."
"How about you Mr. Tatooari, what do you think?"
"Nah, I disagree. It's a Taniwha (that means sea Troll in Maori). But don't get too close, because it attacks and rapes people. Women and men. Even a man as ugly as you."
So there you have it, mates. A boat. A sea troll. A submarine. Or something else.
C Johnson from down under