Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Best monologue Jokes in April



Jimmy Fallon was originally on Saturday Night Live and did the Weekend update jokes.  When Conan got kicked off NBC, Jimmy got the job.  Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is a total hit and so damn funny.  This Canadian is now a New Yorker and everyone loves him.

Jimmy Fallon & John Hamm courtesy of NBC

 

Here are some of his funniest jokes from his show in April, courtesy of NBC.

 

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, yesterday was April Fool’s Day and get this -- Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, ‘My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!’ (Isn’t that hilarious! April Fools’ man!)”

“Hey, this was nice.

 

Last week, President Obama received a custom pair of New Balance running shoes. New Balance was also gonna give a pair to Joe Biden, but they didn’t have any with Velcro. (The rabbit goes through the hole)”

“Man, everybody’s talking about the big lottery jackpot from this weekend. Any winners out there? Congratulations. It turns out that one of the three winners is a McDonald’s employee in Maryland. Yeah, when asked about her job at McDonald’s, she was like, ‘Ba da ba ba ba - I’m leavin’ it.”
“I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only one in 176 million. Or as most people put it, (DUMB) ‘Well yeah, that's why I bought two tickets.”


Karate Piñata Jimmy Fallon & Audience Member courtesy of NBC

 

Some TV news. NBC announced that Sarah Palin will be co-hosting the ‘Today’ show tomorrow. Yeah, Palin is gonna ask her guests some hard-hitting, ‘gotcha’ questions – like, ‘Name a newspaper.’ (You know, things like that)”



 

“Did you see this? Over the weekend, Justin Bieber got slimed at the 25th annual Kids Choice Awards. Yeah, he looked almost as embarrassed as me, when I realized I was home on a Saturday night watching the Kids Choice Awards. (I gotta get my life together)”



“This isn’t good. Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin will miss at least six weeks because of knee surgery. It was awkward, when the surgeon was like, (OPERATING, SERIOUS) ‘It’s not looking good. I have to take this scalpel, and make a very deep…(CHUCKLING) Lincision…’ (He couldn’t help himself. He had to do it.)”

“This is cool. On Saturday, the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, ten endangered eagles crashed into the building, but still…” 


Charlie Sheen + Jimmy Fallon courtesy of NBC

 

“And finally, you guys, tomorrow, Ryan Seacrest is expected to make a big announcement on the ‘Today’ show. Or as his parents put it, ‘We knew.’ everybody! Here’s the latest news from the campaign trail. Today, Mitt Romney handed out turkey subs to voters before the Wisconsin primary. Which explains Romney's newest supporter: Newt Gingrich.”

“Speaking of the election, yesterday Rick Santorum guaranteed that he will win the primary in his home state of Pennsylvania. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul guaranteed that he will finish somewhere in the top ten.”

“Did you guys see this? Frontier Airlines announced that it will no longer serve warm chocolate chip cookies during flights. Or in other words, Frontier Airlines is getting rid of the one thing that could have gotten me to fly Frontier Airlines.”



 

“This is interesting. A new study found that the U.S. is just the 11th happiest country in the world. Yeah, of course it fell to 12th happiest, after hearing it was just the 11th happiest.”

“Some TV news. This morning on the ‘Today’ show, Sarah Palin took part in a panel that discussed hot topics. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich took part in a panel that discussed Hot Pockets.” 

“This is sweet. Last week, a love letter sent to a woman in Minnesota was finally delivered after 60 years. Yeah, the last line was sweet - it was like, ‘With all my heart, I promise to wait for you... for up to 59 years.’”

“Listen to this. Next weekend is the World Stacking Championship in Germany! Yeah. The winner is whoever can stack cups into a pyramid the fastest, while the loser…is anyone who entered the World Stacking Championship.”

“And finally, police in Connecticut were called to help out a customer at a sex shop after he locked himself in handcuffs. Yeah, he would have just called his girlfriend, but she hadn’t been inflated yet.

 

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! Thank you for being here! Some big election news, you guys. Last night, Mitt Romney went three for three, by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.”

“Did you guys see this? A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. Yeah, he was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like, ‘Prepare for an on-time arrival.’”

“That’s right, a Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable. But on the bright side, he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue.”

“This isn’t good. Yesterday, a passenger at JFK Airport was caught trying to board a flight with a knife hidden inside a jar of mayonnaise. When they caught the guy, he was like, ‘Aww HELL-mann’s.’”

“Hey guys, some celebrity news. Yesterday, Ryan Gosling saved a woman here in New York from being hit by a cab. I know, the woman was like, ‘I think I'm okay - but just to be safe, you should probably give me mouth-to-mouth”.. The Mets are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies. That’s pretty cool, right? Yep, Mets officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occurs ON the field.”

“And finally, there’s a 93-year-old woman in Florida who says that she’s driven the same car for 48 years. Unfortunately, no one has the heart to tell her she’s just sitting in a La-Z-Boy”



 

Jimmy Fallon & Sophia Vergara Courtesy of NBC

 

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa – look at that guy’s ears!’”

“Speaking of President Obama, his campaign is now letting supporters donate money with a text message. Of course it’s gonna be awkward when someone’s like, ‘Can I have that money back? I accidentally butt-donated it to you.’”

“Did you see this? Yesterday Ryan Seacrest finally made his highly-publicized, major announcement on the ‘Today’ show - revealing that he will take part in NBC’s coverage of the London Olympics. The other thing he revealed? That he doesn't know what a ‘major announcement’ is.”

” There’s a new Internet trend called ‘breading.’ You guys know what that is? It’s where people take a picture of their cat with its face inside a piece of bread. I’m being honest. It’s called breading. It’s usually the result of that other trend, called ‘smoking pot.’”

“Some TV news. The sister of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is making a reality show about young people in the tech world. While the sister of the MySpace founder is making a reality show about a guy who has to move in with his sister.” 

“ I read about a man in Canada who adopted a bear cub as a pet. The bear has a really cute face—he tore it off his owner, but still…”

“And finally, in a new interview, Kim Kardashian said that she wants to be a more ‘private person.’ Then she was like, ‘And you can see me try, in my new reality series ‘Kim Kardashian: Private Person.’”



Fergie & Jimmy Fallon courtesy of NBC

We’re going to have a fun show tonight. But first, here’s some election news, you guys. I read that Mitt Romney has spent 53 million dollars on ads, and Rick Santorum has spent 9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed up in the background of the ‘Today’ show.”

“Did you see this? Earlier this week, Mitt Romney actually criticized President Obama for being out of touch with the American people. Then Romney added, ‘And I mean ALL Americans: millionaires AND billionaires!’”

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is calling on TSA screeners to be nicer to travelers. And I think it’s working – cuz today I went through the body scanner and the guy was like, ‘Hey, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.’”

“Speaking of air travel, a woman recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy while she was onboard a Delta flight. Marking the first time someone flying Delta actually arrived early.”

“Some TV news. This morning, the ‘Today’ show’s Matt Lauer announced that he has signed a long-term contract with NBC. Yep, he only had one demand – which explains the new name of my show, ‘Late Night with Matt Lauer.’”

“Check this out. Seattle is considering a new law that would make asking a woman to stop breastfeeding illegal. While asking a woman to start breastfeeding will just remain awkward.”

“This is interesting. According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21.”

“And finally, a new report found that high schools across the country are not doing enough to teach kids about safe sex. But on the bright side, looks like we’re getting a fifth season of ‘Teen Mom!’”


 

 

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