Closer - Review

After the first minute of the slow motion of Jude Law and Natalie Portman walking towards each other, not speaking, a beautiful sequence, the film takes a high altitude nose dive into a 3 inch pool of water.

Julia Roberts stars in Columbia Pictures' comedy/drama Closer

It is a clunker, but is so bad that it actually keeps you in suspense and anticipation of "Gee, this thing is incredibly, bad, is it serious, or is something going to happen that will be pure genius in the next minute and you'll think ah, it was all a cruel joke, all that unbelievably bad writing I just had to listen to, and how the hell did they get someone like Julia Roberts to attach herself to such a turkey?" 

Jude Law (l) and Natalie Portman star in Columbia Pictures' comedy/drama Closer.

It is so bad that these are the thoughts incessantly running through my head as I watch some of my most favorite actors in the world, chewing the scenery, acting their beautiful, talented little hearts out, and me not giving one flying fart what they are talking about, because it is all the same, never ending droning scene, and a scene which has no back story, no build up, literally nothing which makes you care about any single one of the characters or story, because let's face it, there is no story. 

Julia Roberts (l) and Clive Owen star in Columbia Pictures' comedy/drama Closer.

The film is about four people who could obviously be extremely interesting, if only they were given something to be in the movie about.  But they were not.  Instead, the dialogue consists of sentences, or "one word sentences" which try to pass themselves off as genius but really just sound like a pompous ass of a writer, trying to be called a genius because he was able to make someone say a word instead of a sentence.  Really, the film is so ridiculously bad, that I really don't even have anything to say about what it was about except for the fascination of watching these multi million dollar movie stars acting in this piece of pure crap.  The end of the movie sort of sums it all up for me.  Natalie Portman walks in slow motion as men do a double take.  So, in the end, we learn that Natalie Portman is hot and can make men walking down the street stare at her.  I'm really so glad that this was revealed to me, because I now feel spiritually evolved and really feel I've learned something about life. 

Clive Owen, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts and Jude Law star in Columbia Pictures' comedy/drama Closer.

It is films like this which really are our great teachers.  It teaches us that in reality, the movie business is a big crock of you know what and that if you have the right agent or the right friends, or the right whatever, you can get someone like Julia Roberts to be in your movie.  Well, I got news for you Mike Nichols, any schematize in a white tank dress with no sleeves in the middle of winter will turns people's heads, and I got some news for Julia too...Disappointment.   In fact, I think the real name of this movie should be Disappointment, or more precisely, BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. In closing, I would also like to ad that Jude Law is tremendous, but I found it unusual that when he was crying, the audience was him.  Something is really wrong here. So in short, I would say, whole heartedly, DO NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME AND MONEY ON THIS DISASTER.

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Jude Law (l) and Natalie Portman star in Columbia Pictures' comedy/drama Closer.


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